After Delivery Conditions

A million and one different things happen to your body after you have your little bundle of joy.  Your milk comes in and provides nutrition for little one.  Your ability to live on little sleep becomes easier.  Your hair may or may not return to its pre-pregnancy fullness.  But one thing is for sure. There are a few... "conditions" that happen that no one talks about.  They may not show up immediately, but they will appear.  DO NOT FREAK OUT.  They will happen and your life will adjust.  Just accept your new way of living 

1. Cryaholic.
That commercial where they want you to adopt puppies.  That episode of Oprah where she gives away something (which... let's face it... it's really every episode).  That syndicated episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Allie asks who God is.  Every.single.thing. can make you cry.  Who knows why? It's usually when you're by yourself or even better... with  room full of people that don't have kids and look at you like you're on the brink of a breakdown.  No... no breakdown.  Mommy-dom.  My rock bottom was an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians... YOU JUST CAN'T HELP IT!

2. What's-CNN?-A-Tosis
Intellectual Television?  Current events?  Whaaaaa? I couldn't tell you what's going on in stocks, or maybe Russia... but if you quizzed me on what condition Doc McStuffins cleared up today, I GOT THIS! Does it make me a bad citizen...? No... a mommy. 

Maybe I've seen this one.

 

3. Meerkatisis (also known as Prarie Dogism)

Picture This: You're watching tv while little one is napping/sleeping, and you hear something...  MUTE! Sit tall with perfect posture with traveling eyes and a statuesque head.  No... it was nothing.  3 minutes later...  MUTE! Sit tall with perfect posture with traveling eyes and a statuesque head.  (This will also continue in places that are not the most convenient, i.e. the shower, or even when children are not around). Continue for the rest of your life.

 

4. Yours-is-mine-urosis

No longer do you get to eat your favorite meal alone.  No. No.  If you've got it, your little one has to have it.  Just a taste... or maybe all of it.  Whatever they want, you will just let 'em have it.  Because let's face it... it's not really yours anymore. 

 

5. Vacuum-alaxis

You just finished cleaning (the one time a week you get a chance to anyway) you walk away and you come back in and there's grinded up... somethinggggg where you justvacuumed.  It's gonna happen. It's like Murphy's Law of Cleaning with a little one -- if you clean it... they will mess it. 

 

6. Where's-the-Kleenex-ia

Never fails: your little one will get a runny nose in public... when you don't have Kleenex handy.  So... obviously... your sleeve is the next obvious choice.  Oh, they have sauce on their face?  Sleeve it up, or if it's a very messy mess... the bottom half of your shirt works amazingly.  So absorbent. 

Let's just cut to the chase, shall we?

 

7. Everything's-a-song-ia

<<in a singy voice>>"What did you dreaaaaaam aboutttt? Whyyyyy are you yellllllinnnng? Time to cleannnnn our bummmy up!  Whaaaaat's the hellllllll is  thissssss in yourrrr diaaaaper?!?" Be accepting when other adults complain. 

 

 

 

So... I'm sorry to be the one to break the news.  But I felt like it needed to be out there; it needed to be said.

 

Oh... there's one more...  this one is probably the most common amongst new mothers and it happens almost immediately.

 

8. Heart-melt-a-tosis. 

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